In the meantime I will be waiting for a sign,
A sign to let me know that everything will be fine.
Miles apart but my heart still beats steadily, stable.
Fighting to stay strong and mature, willing and able.
When all else fails I will look to the past,
Just to make sure im not moving on too fast.
The future is so undecided and foggy,
It makes my body feel tired, groggy.
Was this the way it was all meant to turn out,
If so what was this past year or so all about?
Because I am beginning to question everything,
Including the silence I am left with.
So of course as soon as I started this blog life got crazy with random things like my birthday, my boyfriend preparing for and leaving the country..etc. So I am sorry I haven’t kept up with it nearly as much as I would have liked to, but I am back! =)
The day is gloomy which ironically fits in perfectly with my mood. My window is covered in delicate raindrops that have taken over the world outside for the past few days now. The trees surrounding my house whip around violently making whipping noise, and making my dogs bark beyond no belief. Trying to sleep is pointless. If it isn’t the winds haunting sounds that keep me awake then it’s my dogs barking at said wind.
The sky is a solid dark wall that doesn’t let any comforting light through, and yet it makes the greens of the world so much more bright. It could almost be beautiful if this hadn’t been a constant thing the past couple of days. My mind is tired of this depressing weather. I need some sunlight to shine through and remove me from this mood.
Frequently you hear the eerie sound of sirens. More so then on any other day. People really don’t know how to drive in this kind of weather. It either makes you a crazy person or a nervous person while driving. The freeway close to my house that you can usually hear the humming sounds of cars from is muffled by the wind and rain. You can barely hear the main street that’s just feet from my house.
Today, outside of my window, is a whirlwind of gloomy emotions, and soft yet swift tears. I can only hope that soon the sky will remove itself from it’s depression, and begin to smile warmly against my soaked cheeks.
When I was a young kid we’d visit my grandma in Fresno quite often. I vaguely remember these visits, but some things I was just too young to remember clearly. My family has told me stories about how I was an escape artist early on. Being an escape artist carried on into my teenage years when I would sneak out, and when my parents would figure it out and try to keep me in I would still find ways to escape. For example, the first time I got caught they started turning our alarm system on at nights thinking that would hold me in. Little did they know I had a creative mind in my head. So I took one of the little sensors on my window that shows if the window is closed or not off, and placed it on the other sensor at the bottom of the window seal. This made it look like my window was always shut when in fact it was always cracked just a little so that later that night I could sneak out.
Now, back to being at my grandmas. My grandma had a closed in patio in her backyard where I would normally play. The door on the patio that lead into the backyard was always locked when I was out there. That didn’t stop me from getting my freedom and enjoying the outdoors. I would take a chair and set it by the door. Step up on it, and unlock the door. Then instead of rushing outside immediately I was careful, and would put the chair back where I got it. So outside I ran like escaping from a prison being sure to shut the door behind me. It took my grandma quite awhile to figure out how I kept getting out until one day she secretly watched me. Laughing her butt off im sure. =)
Life is so …peculiar, at times. Funny, annoying, luscious, hopeless..
I have these nights in which all I can do from going into a panic attack is take a scorching hot bath. The nights in which I let myself worship every scar, every bruise. As I slowly slide my body into the stinging water, my pale skin instantly staining pink, my mind screams and fights within its own selfish arena. The water engulfs every curve, every imperfection until it reaches my laugh lines, and begins to pour into my ears. The world, muffled, my thoughts magnified. It takes all of my strength to open up my mind, and see my scars and bruises as something much less godly, and a lot more convenient. These marks were not placed on my canvas of a body to hold me back and not forget, but rather to let me take the strength they have given me, and use it towards the inevitable.
Oh life.
I have these days where my childish, idiotic smile wont bear to leave my face. It haunts my surroundings so innocently, and yet with much more depth. All I can do is laugh at my mistakes, my misfortunes, knowing nothing I could have done would have stopped any of them. I feel thankful and appreciative, my sight clearer then ever before, my body more alive. It isn’t until these days where I finally see the purpose of the hot water engulfing my senses…Without all the hard times that blind me with self-pity, self-doubt, without every tear I have let play down my cheeks like a symphony of emotion, without all the ugly – the smile would never be able to dance across my face, and I would never be able to appreciate my life for all it’s worth, all it can offer.
Oh, life.
We sat in a meadow of humbling greens and vibrant yellows on that forsaken summer day. For a moment staring off towards the dim moon that made shadows on our faces, silently hoping the We sat in a meadow of humbling greens and vibrant yellows on that forsaken summer day. For a moment staring off towards the dim moon that made shadows on our faces, silently hoping the inevitable was much further away. Just hoping our time together wasn’t running out like sand in an hourglass, wasting minutes on an illusion. I remember the sun was warm on my skin, but my body was covered in chills. Your face looked as pale as the moon, and as moist as the grass surrounding us. You placed your arm around my shoulder leaning in to whisper in my ear. “I have to let you go now.” The words were haunting as they stabbed into every part of my being. I looked up into your beautiful face, and as the light lit my eyes silver tears began to form making you shift and twist with agony. Then ever so softly the tears that were gathering slowly and softly left my eyes and landed into your palms with some sense of understanding.
Coming back to …
Coming back to this one.
We all hear the word “No” a billion times in our lives. The word is introduced to us very early, and continues to be said to us until we die. Whether or not you listen to the word is a different story. When we are very young it is used probably more then any other word to keep us out of trouble (“No don’t put your fingers in the toliet”), then it lives on through the years and warps into a word we ignore (“No, you can not go out with your friends on a school night.”), until it turns into a word we want to prove wrong (No, you will never achieve that goal.”). “No” is mostly associated as a negative word with “Yes” being it’s counter, but infact “No” could be the exact positive word you are looking for (“No, you do not have ‘input illness here’…etc.)
Like any other person I myself have heard the word “No” many many many times, and from many different people. I can’t really think of a specific life changing time when I was told no, but I do think of my teenage years when the word was my worst enemy. About the time I turned sixteen is when I really went into “disbehaving mode.” I wanted to skip school, stay out late with my friends, drink alcohol, etc. That’s about the time my parents memorized the word and would use it before I even opened my mouth because they knew what was coming. I would beg and plead, bargain and throw fits which at times would work, but mostly just got me into more trouble.
……..
When I was young, naive and hopeful, I would visit my grandma just about every summer. I remember the warmth and freshness of her home, and how being there seemed so simple. Her home was always so welcoming, indulging. Every night I would wait up for her to get home from work a little after midnight. Most times my eyes would slowly drift down as if someone was tugging on them, but even then the dogs would wake me when she arrived.
On Sundays we would spend the entire day together. Whether it was her in one room, me in the other, or working in the yard together, somethimes even going out to do something special. I mostly remember her PB&J sandwiches. No matter what no one else could compare to her PB&J skills. Her peanut butter was always the perfect amount of peanut, her jelly was always just the right texture, and her bread…oh her bread. It was like a cloud hitting your tongue and then dissolving instantly. I would smash the sandwich together just right before taking a bite. Savoring every tiny little bite.
Once I was done with my lunch i’d usually run outside to play, run, scream with youth as she’d watch me from the little kitched window. Every so often coming outside to smile at me as I ran in circles until eventually I couldn’t take it anymore.
Have any of you heard of Judy Reeves? Well, maybe you have…maybe you have not. In any case she has re-invented my writing in a way she probably wouldn’t like. She has a book out…well she has a couple of books out, but the one I love is Prompts & Practices. If you are a coming to be writer or even a published writer you should read it. It comes full with a book of explanations, cards of reference, a calendar of topics, and a part to write in. My idea is to take on each topic for everyday and write it out in my own words like she would like….but I am giving and will continue to give all credit to her.
The problem is i stopped writing awhile ago and am almost nervous to do this task. In fact when I was reading through the book I asked myself if I could do it… I can and I will. I believe it is harder to be told a topic and play on it than it is to free write. I have always been that type of writer so this will be a challenge for me. A challenge I am excited for!
Seeing as how it is already January 9th I will have to make up for 9 days in the next couple of days while still doing the daily topics.( And my Bday!) If I get behind bear with me. =)
Well here is for 2010 with Judy Reeves and hopefully you as well!!
